


Ripples on the Pond

by Mightybignein (Blueberryshortcake)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ace Caduceus, Asexual Character, But not love that's going to get requited any time soon, Caduceus level contemplation, Caleb typical issues, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 02:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16672906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberryshortcake/pseuds/Mightybignein
Summary: Caduceus is not a person that surprises easily, but his revelation about his feelings for Caleb have him reeling. He never thought he would feel romance towards others thinking it went hand in hand with physical pleasures, but here he was, wanting someone.Unfortunately Caleb is not a man that can let himself be loved like that, at least not right now.On the road Caduceus thinks it over. A conversation happens.





	Ripples on the Pond

Caduceus Clay was not a person that found himself taken by surprise very often. In his travels away from the temple, away from his graveyard he was out of his depth, at a loss, taken aback, but still, he saw things coming. His eyes were keen, he was personable, he liked to think he could get to the heart of matters. 

The heart of matters. 

He sighed, hand on his cheek. He had been gazing at the Wizard’s back for the better part of the last two hours. 

The rare times that Caduceus found himself surprised he went off instinct. Instinct was natural, and he had learned from youth to trust where the Wildmother guided him. 

Caduceus had no instincts of this nature. 

The irony had never been lost on him. A man that devoted himself to nature who had no sense or emotional understanding towards sex and desire of a physical nature.

It was something that Salus and Balint had spoken of in stories. People that would find themselves trapped by desire. 

He had never once understood those stories. Why let yourself fall over something like that?

And they showed him how it was everywhere. An important part of the cycle of life. They said one day he would understand it, once he was grown. 

Eirny told him she doubted that he ever would. 

He was grieve to agree with anything she thought, but it was true. He came to learn it was him that was the one that was different. But not so different. There were other living things that mirrored him as well. Not everything had a mate.

So it didn’t matter, in the end. He had duty. He had a calling. 

He missed friendship and familial intimacy when his family left, soon the only people that crossed his gates were those in midst of tragedy.

And sometimes he felt a pulse of emptiness, because that was something he wouldn’t have. A life partner that would miss him like that, but he didn’t want what came with it. He didn’t… want. 

But now he wanted… not in how he was supposed to, but he wanted. 

“Whatcha thinking about, Caduceus?”

Jester pulled him out of his layers of memories.

“Home.” He answered truthfully after he collected his thoughts. 

“You looked like you were trying to stare a hole into Caleb’s head,” She twittered, reaching up and poking his shoulder. Caleb’s head bobbed up. He turned hearing his name.  He absentmindedly stroking his cat’s fur. 

“Did you need something, Mr. Clay?” He asked.

Need. Well… he doubted Mr. Caleb would understand what he needed. Caduceus barely understood it. 

He wanted connection. Something deeper than what they had, because Caleb was a man that held all the traits that Caduceus valued or found interest in, and he felt a greedy yearning to know more, to be close, to share, to find comfort in, to wrap his arms around him and not feel far away. It wasn’t the thing in his siblings’ stories, but it was what he wanted.  

It wouldn’t be fair though. Caduceus had the feeling an emotional connection would have even less of a chance to bloom with Caleb than a sexual one. At least the kind of relationship he desired. Even friendship had been surprisingly tricky. 

Caduceus was a man of contemplation and instinct. Strategy and puzzles were beyond him, and he had fallen in love with a puzzle with many layers and walls and tricky locks. 

That was his surprise. Falling in love. He realized it this morning. They had been eating breakfast and Caleb had smiled at him as he handed him freshly brewed tea because the morning was chilly. It was genuine, a rare smile that was peeking out more often in their travels, but still precious. 

And he thought about how he wanted so see Mr. Caleb make that face towards him forever. 

That feeling that he thought tied up with all the things he didn’t want from other people. 

But it was there, by itself. Romance.

“Not at the moment, Mr. Caleb.” He realized his friend was waiting for a response. Caleb tilted his head. His mind was at work. A beehive of activity in movement. A contrast to his own still pond that rarely made a ripple.

Mr. Caleb was a large rock, thrown into his quiet pond. Disturbing its peace. Both exciting and terrifying. 

But Caleb needed mending. Caduceus was a healer, but Mr. Caleb had to be the one to organize himself. And of course he would help him, do all he could… but trying to add another layer to that. That was selfish. The two things Caduceus hated most were lazy, selfish people. A relationship would only harm both of them in the end. 

And besides that, if Caleb was whole there was still the fact that Caduceus had no inkling if he would want Caduceus in any way, especially given that Caduceus would feel the relationship whole and healthy without sex. 

He was getting a headache now. He hunched his shoulders, tried to tune out all the buzzing thoughts, but when he let himself drift he would find himself focusing on Caleb again. His soft brown-red hair highlighted copper from the sun’s rays. His soft accented voice barely heard over the clip-clop of horse hooves and wagon wheels. His rhythmic motions as he turned the page of his book. 

Caleb, his puzzling wizard, so intrinsically bound by information, cities, secrets. How could he contemplate someone so foreign to his tiny place in the world? To his grander scale of the natural? On both levels there was no cypher. And he kept thinking about it when Caleb wasn’t his to solve or mend. 

“Mind takin’ over the horses Duceus?” Fjord asked turning his head to the back of the wagon. “I’m gettin’ pretty tired up here.” 

“Of course,” He answered automatically while still focused on his other thoughts. He traded places now beside Caleb. The Wizard stopped reading, absently petting Frumpkin while looking out across the fields. He offered Caduceus a smile in greeting. Caduceus smiled back fondly unable to help himself. But that was what he would have done anyway, before the surprise. He would have smiled like that at Caleb no matter what. 

“You look tired my friend,” Caleb said. He was an insightful man, not necessarily because he was naturally perceptive (although he was), but Caleb was always on the lookout for … something. Lies? Tragedies? Stories? Another thing Caduceus wasn’t sure about. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot,” Caduceus admitted. “About things that are difficult to grasp.” 

“Maybe I could help.”

“Oh, you definitely could.” Caleb was not only clever, but the answer behind a lot of his thoughts at the moment. The horses continued their way down the trail. The late evening air growing cooler. 

Caleb raised an eyebrow, prompting him to continue. 

“Oh,” Caduceus scratched the back of his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not your burden to bear, Mr. Caleb.” 

“Well if something is bothering you Mr. Clay all of us, not just me would want to help relieve you of some of the burden, especially if we can help in anyway.” 

He huffed in fondness for his friend. “You’re very kind, Mr. Caleb.” 

The Wizard forced a smile, ducked his head. Complements had an effect like cold water over a sleeping man for him. Caduceus was not cruel, but he couldn’t help but try and acclimatise Caleb to it, until they didn’t sting him anymore.

They both spoke softly. The others save for Yasha who was galloping ahead on a horse, were dozing which explained the lack of questions from the back. The Mighty Nein were fond of gossip.  

“I’m a straightforward person, Mr. Caleb… an honest one.”

Caleb gave a nod of agreement. He was staring out at the trail ahead of them now, the light of day dimming. They would have to stop soon, find a safe place to rest. 

“I find that… when I can’t be straightforward and honest, I’m at a loss.” 

Caleb tilted his head. His hand came up to stroke Frumpkin. He contemplated for a moment Caduceus’ words. He didn’t ask what Caduceus was not being straightforward and honest about. That wasn’t the sort of man Mr. Caleb was. He would ponder it, he would listen for scraps that might inform it, but he never dug up buried graves. 

“Will it harm someone if you are straightforward and honest?” He asked instead. 

“Yes.” Caduceus answer was soft and immediate. Finality and sadness tinged it. 

Caleb side-eyed him. The swarm of activity at it again. “I don’t believe that.”

Caduceus, for the second time that day felt a burst of surprise in his chest. “You don’t?”

Caleb reached over and squeezed his arm.

“Your honesty is kind,” Caleb told him sincerely. “Even when it is unwanted. Even when it seems cruel. You should keep your bluntness, it’s good for everyone.” 

“Even if it’s about you, Mr. Caleb?” 

Caleb’s hand slowly moved away from his arm. He reached into one of his many pockets and started twisting a loose string in his hand, his head bowed focusing on it. Caduceus waited. 

“I am not a man that deserves kindness,” Caleb said quietly.

Caduceus breathed out slowly. A twisted emotion settled in his stomach. Caleb usually wasn’t so direct about his own self loathing, but he would be to protect himself. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--”

“No. It’s not you who should be ashamed for anything.” Caleb continued to twist the string. “I’m a coward, but if there is something keeping you from being you Caduceus then… then you should say it.” He folded in on himself, as if waiting for rebuke. 

Caduceus sighed. Took the reins in one hand and heavily patted his friend on his back. He found himself hesitating, not only for Caleb’s sake, but for his own. He had never felt this kind of love before, and giving it to a man who couldn’t love himself… not only would rejection hurt in a way he didn’t want to consider the depth of, but Mr. Caleb might run at that, his side satchel always carefully supplied with enough for if he ever decided to leave in the middle of the night. Ready to be cast out or run away. 

But he was…

“You say you’re a liar, but you make promises to me that I have no doubt you will keep. You say you’re selfish, but you give important gifts. You say you’re a coward, but you protect me… protect all of us. You say you’re an asshole,” He smiled at this, “But I find you very sweet. Mr. Caleb… I won’t pretend this is the right time, or the right place… I don’t even know if we’re the right people for it. So I’ll say that your presence in my life means an awful lot to me.” He reached his free hand out trying to keep it steady.

Caleb crumpled a little further.

“Oh Caduceus…” 

To his surprise the wizard took his hand with his. Squeezed it comfortingly. He didn’t look at him, his other hand still twisted the string. 

“I can’t.”

“I know. I don’t expect anything. I just don’t… have much experience with it myself.” 

Caleb glanced up, still hunched over. 

“No?” He asked.

“I’m not a person that seeks bodily pursuits and pleasures… but I’d like to know you, Mr. Caleb. And I know that that is not something you can give me right now.” 

Caleb’s mouth twitched, head dropping minutely. 

“What if it’s never?” Caleb’s thumb stroked the back of his hand. 

“I hope it isn’t… if not with me then with someone else. I don’t think I fall in love easily, Mr. Caleb… but I find that I’ve fallen in love with you. And I… I don’t think that’s bad.” 

The sun was setting now. They would have to wake the others soon. They would have to build camp. They would have to move away from this moment and let the future come. Let the plants sprout where the seeds had scattered. Let the ripples fade into the pond. 

“You’ll stay, won’t you?” He asked when the silence had settled for too long. 

“Oh,” Caleb blinked. “Ja… ja I’ll stay...I…” Caleb squeezed his hand and let go. “It is a wide world, Caduceus. One day we will find good and honest people for you to interact with. Not pirates and bandits. Then you’ll meet someone much more deserving than me.” 

“I don’t think it’s a matter of deserving. Or even of goodness and kindness really… although I guess that’s the terms we all like to put it in. I think it’s just… people.” 

He softly cupped Caleb’s cheek, gently pulled his head up so that their eyes would meet. Caleb didn’t have the blank faraway look he usually had when facing emotions like these. His eyes crinkled with melancholy, not for himself, but for Caduceus. And there was a bit of wistfulness as well.

Maybe one day, but not today.    

“I meant what I said before. The world is shaping you into something important, and I want to be there to help you get to that point, and I also think...I hope… that one day you find solace, and allow yourself not to cringe from feeling joy and happiness.” 

Caleb bowed his head and Caduceus kissed him firmly on the forehead.

“We should find a place to rest. It’s getting late.” 

“Ja. Let’s stop for the day.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I might continue this, but for now at least it's done. 
> 
> Side note I've finally bent to the AO3 formatting gods so no more double spaces hopefully.


End file.
